A week or so ago, I mentioned that the Merry Sisters of Fate were running a contest to win an arc of Maggie Stiefvater’s Shiver.
In order to have a shot at winning, you needed to write a short story based on a visual prompt (see left. Lovely, isn’t it?)
I got this idea to base my story on a German myth about a young woman named Lore Lay, or, Lorelei. (You can read a poem that Clemens Brentano wrote about her here – scroll down for the English translation.)
The time in between the contest announcement and the deadline got crazy hectic for me, and so the story suffered for it. But. I really want that arc and it can’t hurt to try, right?
So, here’s the first and only draft of the story, in PDF because WordPress wouldn’t accept the formatting.
I’m off to cover my eyes and hold my breath and pray my fragile ego – what? it takes an introvert a long time to weave herself a thick skin – can withstand it. 
I think your ego will be fine, me dear. I really like that opening. It’s almost poetic prose in structure and cadence. Very, very pretty. The song-like quality is just right for a story about the Lorelei. (As a bit of a nit, I do wish that the full-rhyme at the end of sentences continued a little more often than it seems to, but feel free to ignore me.)
the words fell on my ears with a familiar hiss and a crackle like a funeral pyre just lit. <- That is a really, really pretty way to phrase it!
Ooooooh. I really, really like that ending. Gives me the shivers. I don’t know a whole lot of the myth of Lorelei (except for the whole seducing sailors and stranding ships in the Rhine bit), so this is a lovely introduction to a part of the myth that I’d absolutely no idea of!
Good luck with the contest and the ARC winning! *sends good story vibes*
Shanra – Thank you so much for commenting and for your very, very kind words!
(And, you know, I kind of wondered if the rhyme at the end of the sentences was too much/silly!)
Thank you for writing and sharing this piece!
I really liked that! I do believe that if you’d done it in every sentence of the story it might’ve been a bit much (and better off a poem), but the way you’ve woven it into the story here in snatches and bits and pieces? That’s brilliant. It suits the idea of the Lorelei so well. Gives it that much more of a haunting and sing-song feel. Very, very nice touch indeed. I hope you’ll win!
Chelle, how beautiful! I totally want to read more. I want the backstory. Brava!
Thanks, Angie!
I actually have the backstory swimming in my mind, so maybe…
I don’t normally comment on your blog, in case you want to maintain some separation from work and home, but I just wanted to say this was really good. Very atmospheric and it goes so well with the image. I’m thinking it’s very ARC-worthy!
You are always welcome to comment here! So please do!
Thank you! I was going for atmospheric, so it’s good to know I accomplished something.
This is extremely sexy. I love the last line (and, I definitely appreciated the rhyme at the beginning.) Thanks for playing!
Tessa – That you thought it sexy made me a very happy girl.
WOWZA. I wonder how far he will follow, indeed. I was with you all the way; your ego should be polished bright from the buffing I’m giving it mentally. Wow.
Tanita – Thanks so much! (beams)
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WOW! That is all I have to say. Lorelei is gorgeous! it has that poetic shine you just don’t find anymore these days! the ryhme of the phrases and the dangling ending, oh, I love it! My compliments, cher.
holy crap that was awesome.
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